心事谁能知

2006-07-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

pain pain pain ...
very pain .. too much le ... for me to handle.. really
some one help me ... haiz. .i read my old testimonials on my friendster.. i looked at my last years birthday gifts .. i look at my key chain ... i looked at my wallet .. i think of the past .. imagin one thing that can reduce me to this state lol ... yes i still keep and use them ... movie tickets .... i thought i can move on but the simple fact is that i am too weak to do so
i thought throwing them all away will help . but i cant bring myself to do so .. i lost .. i really lost ... i know i am stupid i know i am silly and sometimes i ask myself what for .. but its a true simple fact that i am wearing out day by day .. all the drinking .. the crying .. i need to stop ... i just simply cant .. since april 8 2006 .... the biggist mistake in my life so far ... till today 22/7/2006... lol 96 days of drinking and crying ... i want to stop really i do ... but i cant .. i deleted her number .... her msn ... i tried ... really i tried .. i just cant .. i am going into the army soon .. the only fear i have is that i cannot stop thinking .. i am not afraid of the tough training ... i am just breaking down mentally .. help me ... God help me.. someone plz help me ..

2006-07-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

14/7/2006
My 12th and last blog ...
For some reason i have decided to end my blogging even though its a short one. but i have to get away from some things in order for me to carry on in life .. hope you all will understand .... take care every one God bless =))

2006-07-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

13/7/2006
My 11th post ..
LOL what a night yesterday ... lol drink till i really forget what i did ... zzz alot of ppl tell me i did alot of stupid things .. but the funny thing is that i cant seem to remember -.- lol i gotta quit drinking .. to me life will always be a living hell zzz ... but when i drink i let hell break loose from inside of me ... i seriously think i have to reconsider abstaining from alcohol ...but the funny thing is that every time i stop drinking .. something always happens and i go back drinking -.-God is making a fool out of me ... to me life is always good it actually depends on how one looks at it ... sorry every one if my drinking habits affected you ... another point to consider.. is that suddenly my stomach is feeling sharp pains here and then ... LOL ... better quit ... so young dowan go D*e yet .. *CHOY!!!!* touch wood ... LOL .. thanks to every one who has been concerned abt me .. sorry to make you guys worry ... but i think i can handle my own problems already .. i honestly forgot every thing that happened yesterday .. but i woke up at 4 with swollen eyes .. and they are HUGE O.O .. LOL ... and a humoungous hangover so i decided not to sleep .... i go drink abit more .. so that i can reverse my hang over .. . fight fire with fire lol .... once someone asked me .. whats the greatest pain a human can suffer .. i told him when some one cuts our balls off ... LOL nonsence .. but after he answered me .. i felt i had made a mockery out of him .... he told the greatest pain a human can suffer is regret .. which is quite true .... lol ... and it really is very painfull ... luckly i got my 2 best friends always with me Tiger and Carlsberg LOL ... woops i am talking abt alcohol again .. what happened to trying to abstain frm alcohol LOL ..haiz ... my whole life can only be described by five chinese words ... which is my blog title LOL ... till the extent in my beliefs .. i concluded that love is just a lie .. its a screen of smoke that lurks dangers within .. my love for my mother resulted in her death ... my love for a woman resulted in a loss .. i suddenly feel that life is just a very big dissapointment ... my endurance is wearing weak day by day as i am regulaly put to the test ... the the result is always not towards my appeal ... haha i am talking nonsense ... imagin thinking about "why" in every thing that is in front of you 24/7 .. thats how my mind works .. and may be thats y ppl say i think too much .. i tend to assume .. but assumsion is somewhat very inaccurate .. and will lead to depression and a nervous break down .. i am broken .. i have fallen .. God knows when ill stand up ... the first step i am taking is trying to feeel happy every day .. but it does not seems to be working .. i keep listening to slyvester sims song "Suo Yi" ... i never actually take the time to listen to the lyrics but yesterday .. it suddenly hit me to actually to take the time to understand his song .. and it really explains my situation LOL ! how ironic .. as situations like this continue to happen to me .. i come to believe more towards the hypothesis that God is making a fool out of me .. what to do i am his creation .. he plays with us anyway he likes and it will never be his fault ... thats life LOL .. .lifes a Joke .. a big fat joke .. but i do thank God for one thing .. cigerettes and beer LOL .... gifts from heaven .. anyway every one take care God bless ... if i continue to write what i am thinking .. www.blogspot.com will lag ur com burst ... LOL =)

2006-07-12T03:29:00.000-07:00

12/7/2006
My 10th post
lol ..... i am a self confessed alcoholic ... life has put me in a position such that ... the only way to ease my stress is just simply. .. drinking ... the world is not fair ... i wish for every one to be happy ... but sometimes when i think back .. i still haven found my happiness .. running away is so easy .. just keep working and drinking ... i think ill soon be a workaholic ... lol ..what do i really want in life sometimes i question myself ... why have i made bad choices even though i clearly knew the consequences ... a moment to err an eternity of regret ... i have been chasing a dream that will not come true . even if it really did came true it will never be the same ... so i ask God the father almighty .. what is it that you want from me .. for you have taken almost everything from me ... is there a highier purpose for your decision .. i really would like to know ..to move on in life is a simple sentence .. but in actual fact its very hard to do .. why bother about the past ... look towards the future .. some people say .. but the past are the happy and sad memories that we had .. good or bad .. memories are still very precious assets to a person ... for it will remind us of what life is all about ..to my knowledge no human being in this earth came to this world to a life of luxary .. but to a world of sufferings ... for what purpose ... simply just to learn ,.. so our future choices will be made based on what we learned thru suffering .. i loved my Mother .. you took her away from me .. but for a highier purpose which is to learn what is independence .. now you took away from me one of the very few people who i love so dearly ... i would like to know what is the highier purpose ... for you have created us i know you dont owe us an explaination ... but i am puzzled .. because of this feeling i am getting now .. all i can rely on is just simply my faith .... tears that are shed cannot be considered unworthy tears ... for every drop carrys the emotions that helps us have a firm composure .. for love is to sacrifice ... sacrifice equals losing something ... and losing something weather big or small .. its still something we give up for a highier purpose ... i sacrificed alot .. only you God will know .. for the happiness of others .. but i am hurt .. i feel very hurt .. controversy .... deciet ... politics ... and love ... i really am tired .. i want to give up .. i dont want to fight on the atrocities of life .. for theres no point and purpose towards myself ... i need strength .. i need courage .. i want to stand up ... give me a miracle .. because i really need one .. the tears i shed .. the alcohol i drink .. and the cigerette i smoke .. are not enough to help me overcome to what is happening to me right now ... mq you dont have to hide it from me haha .. i am truly happy that u are happy .. dare to dream dare to realise .. dont be afraid of showing that you love some one .. it is not a crime .. stay happy ... keep smiling .. at least give me a point to support what i am doing .. and to help me feel its worth while ... Robin =) .. lucky guy .. cherish what is infront of you . dont make the same mistake as me .. God bless every one .. take care

2006-07-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

12/7/2006
My 9th post ..
fucking drunk yesterday ...lol ... went to planet paradigm after that switched to babyface at esplanade ... wa kao age limit 23 ... heng danny and his ex- wife all members we went in open one bottle of martell .. drink until we forget our fathers name ... lol .. danny is a living miracle ... drunk still can drive home ... madness .. yesterday was a fun night ... haha all my stress has been relieved ...
haiz but soon to come back ... i suddenly realise my knuckles have bruises ... i was wondering did i hit any body ... lol anyway ... even if i did ... i did not get caught LOL ... heng ar ... haiz stress stress ... hang over hang over .... sian sian ... take care every one god bless ...

2006-07-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

11/7/2006
My 8th post
haizz .... after all the trials and tribulations i had gone through i finally found some peace ... but it seems that . .the nature of human beings is of greed ... we always want more ... but sometimes it will come to a point where we have an understanding ... that we dont always get what we want ... i love my life now
stress free ... peace ... i would like to thank God for his support .. haiz .. God bless everyone

2006-07-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

9/7/06
My 7th blog ....
SIAN SIAN SIAN SIAN SIAN

2006-07-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

8/7/2006
My 6th blog
lol did not update my blog for the past few days due to the faulty computer at my work place ... anyway ... lifes great my pay come in already ... hope to enjoy myself .. stupid mq always disturb me .. LOL ... go bath la worm ... anyway learned alot from oscar .. even though i met a fucked up customer ... but still he taught me hw to stay calm and be cool .... hope every thing goes smoothly ... take care every one and god bless..anyone free give me a call and join me for a drink ... =D

2006-07-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

5/7/2006
My 5th blog
even though working at 3mobile has been a great experience .. there are naturally pros and cons to the job ... a staff who has been working with me happens to not like me very much haha.. complaining all my mistakes to my big boss danny ... danny has been very understanding and advised me on the matter which later found out not to be totally my fault . i made many mistakes in the line of my work .. the most when i worked with oscar at ck tangs .. hes a nice guy so i dont wish to repeat the same mistake under his supervision haha .. he has guided me well and i hope i can put my knowledge to good use
.haiz finally its over ... she finally got on with life .. but of course if she still regards me as a friend i still gladly be a good one .. as i cannot use my level of thinking to judge another person .. what i can conculde is only that the difference in our mindsets is creating too many conflicts ....haiz .. haha thanks mq for guilding me and being the foundation of my new beginning .. i know it deep somewhere in my heart we can only be friends .. thats good enough for me =) ... because friendships last forever .. haha .. thank God for being there for me and answering my prayers in a different way yet again haha .. mysterious but effective .... God bless every one ...

2006-07-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

3/7/2006
My fouth blog ..
yesterday i went drinking wif panda , ray , michelle , boon siong and his wife .. haha every one was in a very bad mood .. i think i better cut down on my drinking . when i am drunk i cannot control alot of things zzz ... sorry mq i any how talk and message you haha ... sorrie k haha ... zzzz u confirm laugh at me one ..... you one day dont suan ppl will die de =P..... ok la back to topic .. as i sad every one had problems ... some angry some sad ... and some who are just helpless and dont know what to do ... haiz i hope all our problems will be solved

2006-07-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

2/7/2006
My third blog
working with danny , oscar and xavier has been a memorable experience ... they taught me more then just hw to work ... they taught me hw to live my life and provided me with advice which i so badly needed ..haiz still suffering everyday .. i am back to my old drinking habits again ... i dont wish to be an alcoholic but sometimes drinking makes me feel relaxed and helps me forget my problems in life ... i want to move on in life ... god please help me get through all the tribulations that i am going through now i just need courage and strength from you .. help me find my real happiness .. help me decide what is right and what is wrong ... teach me how to love .. haiz ... thanks mq for giving me advice .. i really needed it .. thanks for listening to my problems .. even though i still dunno what to do .. i still draw courage from your strengh that you have given me ....working at ck tangs today xavier sick MUAHAHAHAHAHA .... =X no need to endure him disturbing me lol .. anyway hope u get well soon ... end of my blog... God bless everyone

2006-06-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

30/6/2006
My second blog.
yesterday night was a very tough night for me ... she went nuts .....i talked to her saying that we cant be together . both parties will only suffer more .. i had to do that even though we broke up a long time ago .. but the biggest problem is that she cant give me up . when i told her its better if we are friends she snapped .. cried and even tried running to the main road to try and kill her self .. i stopped her and carried her back to her place and stayed with her till morning so as to ensure she wont do anything stupid again .. haiz i want to move on in life .. but it appears that she cant .. thank you mq for writing a testimonial to me .. it really meant alot ... i am gonna have a nervous break down soon ... i dont know what to do except drink haha ... anyway any advice for me please tell me =D

2006-06-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

today 29/6/2006
my first blog ...
i have been broken down .. dreams shattered .. basically i have nothing left .. only my faith still stands ..i only have one question for God , why have you brought me to the test .. the very essense of my character is wearing down .. i dont know what is right or what is wrong , it seems that every single thing i do seems to hurt every one around me .. i do not have the intention ..i do not wish for it to happen but it did ... if fairness exists in this world there will be no evil ... but i have come to realise fairness does exist but it comes with a price .. it seems so ironic that we dont always get what we want .. because it always comes in another way .. love ... the very element every human beings yearn for and the element that destroys us in certain ways .. love leads to anger .. anger leads to hate .... hate leads to suffering .....i made a mistake .. i am bearing the consequences .. i have hurt two ppl ... but the person i hurt the most is mq .... she was there for me everytime i needed someone ... i loved her more then anyone can imagine i swear to god. but i left her in the end .. i hurt her .. she was sad , devestated . i did that thinking i could find happiness with another person at the same time making sure i never hurt her again .. but i was wrong .. what i get is pain .. suffering .. in the end i am hurting every one including myself . i thought of commiting suicide many times .. thinking everything would end .. all the suffering .. all the deceit i have caused .. but thinking back .. i am appalled at my foolish beheivior .. i love my family .. and for that i really want every thing to go back to as it is before .. where every one is just happy and all sufferings never happened ...i am trying my best to be the man my parents hope i would be .. to be the man that faces his problems rather then running away .. what makes a true essence of a man .. it is never his origins .. his skin colour .. or his childhood .. it is the way he start things and how he ends it .. i want to end it well i want to lift my head high with courage and dignity knowing i am fully responsible for my actions and consequences but things doesn't seem to go my way .. thanks to those who are reading my blog ...if theres a solution or maybe a quote in life that may inspire tag me =)